Understanding Self-Destructive Behaviors

“Why do i refuse help from people who have my best interests in mind?

Why do i keep intentionally hurting myself?”

Self-destructive behaviors or dysregulated behaviors are those that are bound to harm you mentally or physically. It may be unintentional, or it may be that you know exactly what you’re doing, but the urge is too strong to control. Self-destructive behaviors provide relief or even pleasure in the short term but ultimately get in the way of living a satisfying and fulfilling life.

These behaviors can include substance use disorder, compulsive computer gaming, smoking, binge eating, self-harm, chronic avoidance, or other behaviors that feel helpful in the moment but harmful over time. It can be related to a mental health condition, such as depression, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, or anxiety.

It’s not uncommon for substance abuse and a psychological disorder to co-exist. In fact, at the root of any addiction is a psychological disorder. And for this reason, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) includes addiction as one of the many psychological disorders it lists.

“Typically, self-destructive acts and thoughts occur because of conscious or subconscious self-hatred and low self-esteem.”

Many of us are engaged in self-destructive behaviors that have become recurring habits. We allow these self-destructive behaviors to interfere with personal happiness and growth. In most cases, people do not openly recognize what or why they are doing certain bad habits.

Self-sabotage is when we do something that gets in the way of our intent, or bigger goals and dreams. We want something, but somehow, we never accomplish it. Why? Because somewhere deep in our subconscious we are fighting against that goal in many cases because of fear of failure.

Traits Self-Destructive People May Share

People suffering from self-destructive behavior differ dramatically, but there are some histories or traits in common. Everyone has a specifically different story, but as a general overview, here are some of those common traits:

• Born to feel emotions more than others. This is not a bad thing, in fact, there are a lot of advantages to being able to feel and connect more.
• Experiences of neglect, physical abuse, or continuous criticism.
• Routine experiences with family members who discourage the expression of emotions or have self-destructive behaviors themselves when coping with their emotions.
• Bullying at school, abuse from someone outside of the family, being mistreated or excluded by other children.

Self-destructive behavior is like a dark gremlin that lurks in the corners of existence; it hides in those places that we train ourselves to overlook and intentionally avoid. But the more we put off facing our self-destructive tendencies, the more they consume us.

Why Are We Self-Destructive?

I’m not the first, and i certainly won’t be the last person to admit that i’ve been (and in some ways still am) a self-destructive person. From pushing away people i love and housing self-defeating mindsets, repeatedly self-harming and/or picking my skin, to having risky behaviors and indulging on my drug addiction/self-medication/ medication misuse – to an dangerously unhealthy extent.. I’ve been down this dark alley more than once.

As i’ve grown, however, i’ve realized that self-destructive behaviors are an expression of the shadow self (also known as our dark side’), springing from low self-esteem, low self-worth, and even self-hatred,

While psychologists speculate that self-sabotaging behaviors could be coping mechanisms (i.e, to deal with stress, pressure, social demands, etc.), others consider self-destructive behavior as ways of maintaining comfort zones due to lack of confidence or feelings of unworthiness (staying at the familiar bottom of the social ladder).

Self-destructive behavior comes in many guises – some extreme, some not so extreme. But in order to continue internally evolving, connect with your true self, and live a life you love – it’s best to look at your devils right in the face.

Symptoms And/Or Habits Of Self-Destructive Behavior

• Housing self-defeating mindsets: Self-defeating mindsets are unconscious forms of self-destructive behavior because they result in self-fulfilling prophecies. Examples include thoughts such as, “i’m going to fail, i just know it”, “i’ll never get out alive”, “this will completely destroy me”, etc.
• Failing to take action: Failing to take action may be passive, but it’s still self-destructive in nature. When we know something is bad for us, but fail to take any action or steps to remedy the issue, we are essentially setting ourselves up for, and guaranteeing failure.
• Over-eating: Over-eating usually appears as the habit of cramming ourselves full of sugary, fatty, and processed foods. This is a distressing habit that can result in many long-term health issues (not to mention the short-term negative impacts on mood, sleep, creativity, etc.).
• Under-eating: Many under-eaters fool themselves into thinking they’re benefiting themselves. The reality is that under-eating is usually a band-aid for serious self-image problems and other psychological issues.
• Forced incompetence: Forced incompetence means portraying yourself as unintelligent or incapable of successfully achieving something. This habit usually stems from a lack of confidence in your abilities and can function as a coping mechanism (e.g., to deal with pressure).
• Going out of your way to harm others: What goes around comes around, as they say, and the negative influence you have on others, whether by words or deeds, will eventually manifest in your own life (e.g., through sicknesses, tragedy, legal issues, isolation). On some level, we all know this truth, yet we go ahead and hurt others anyway.
• Self-harm: Self-harm is an extreme physical expression of self-destructive behavior. This practice is connected to low self-worth and the desire to cope with emotional pain in a physical way.
• Self-pitty: Self-pitty is an unconscious form of self-destructive behavior. It is destructive because it encourages us to remain inactive (i.e., wallowing in our misfortunes), rather than encouraging a proactive approach towards life.
• Drug and alcohol abuse: A self-evident form of self-destructive behavior, drug and alcohol abuse creates endless misery in the lives of addicts and their friends and family members. Drug and alcohol abuse are usually connected to soul loss – or being disconnected from your soul.
• Social suicide: While not always committed consciously, social suicide is the act of deliberately alienating yourself from your peers. This could be through a variety of irritating, repelling, or antisocial behaviors that on some level you know are self-destructive.
• Impulsivity and risky sexual practices: Impulsivity is the tendency to act without thinking and not giving a thought on the consequences and getting yourself in dangerous situations. Engaging in risky sexual practices/ high-risk sexual behavior, for example, includes unprotected intercourse or having multiple-changing casual sex partners.
• Hiding from emotions: Failing to acknowledge negative (and sometimes positive) emotions creates a host of mental, emotional, and physiological illnesses. This is another form of unconsciously manifested self-destructive behavior.
• Refusing to be helped: Pushing away advice, refusing to go to rehab, avoiding the psychologist.. not wanting to be helped is a reflection of the deep core belief that “i’m unworthy”.
• Unnecessary self-sacrifice: Some people are in love with their misery because that is all they have known for a large portion of their lives. Unnecessary self-sacrifice or being a martyr are good ways of making us feel “noble” and “altruistic” while masking the actual act of self-sabotage (which is giving up on the hopes, dreams, and passions that make us truly happy).
• Spending too much: Whether through chronic gambling or constant ebay purchases, overspending may seem unusual to have on this list, but it is nevertheless a form of self-destructive behavior that limits one’s freedom and peace of mind.
• Physical neglect: Getting poor sleep, refusing to exercise, eating unhealthy food, and failing to maintain the general well-being of your body are all classic signs of common self-destructive behavior.
• Mental neglect: Refusing, avoiding, or failing to confront your psychological health issues (e.g., stress, anxiety, depression, paranoia, ocd, etc.) delays the healing process, resulting in the perpetuation of long-term issues.
• Sabotaging relationships: Sabotaging your relationships is a complex symptom as it involves a large variety of destructive behaviors such as jealousy, possessiveness, emotional manipulation, neediness, violence, and so forth. When we don’t feel worthy of love, we unconsciously manifest this in our relationships through the way we choose to behave.

You’re Not Broken (You’re Just Human)

If you identify with most of the above signs, you might feel your stomach sink and a dark cloud of sadness/ resentment wash over you. You might start thinking that you’re fundamentally “broken” or something is severely wrong with you. But please understand that it’s normal to identify with a large number of the above signs. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. You’re not a lost cause. You’re simply human. And that’s totally okay.

Why is it normal to possess a large majority of self-destructive signs? The answer is that most people have either been negatively programmed by their family or society or have unconsciously adopted these actions as a defense mechanism to protect against mental and emotional pain. In other words, it’s not your fault and you aren’t to blame. You didn’t choose to be self-destructive, did you? You didn’t think, “hmm, i think i’m going to be self-destructive now”, did you? It’s just what happened.

The goal isn’t to feel terrible about yourself, the goal is to see that “it is what it is” and find ways to reverse, undo, and triumph over your self-destructive tendencies.

How To Stop Being Self-Destructive

While i can’t give you a magical cure, i can give you some ideas, inspiration, and a few tried-and-tested paths to follow. Try all of them systematically or select a few and work with them consistently.

On average, it takes around 66 days to establish a new habit according to what researchers have found. So make it your goal to stick with at least one of these activities for two months.

Here are the practices..

• Keep a self-reflection journal every day: Journaling has numerous mental health benefits and it’s a powerful way of increasing your self-awareness. In fact, we could say that self-awareness is the most crucial ingredient in overcoming self-destructive tendencies!
• Practice meditation or mindfulness: There’s a reason why you keep hearing about these two practices and it’s because they work! Even if you struggle to meditate traditionally, there are endless forms of mindfulness meditation out there that might spark your interest. Examples include walking meditation, mindful art therapy, chanting mantras, guided journeys, color visualization, etc. If you don’t know where to start, i recommend downloading a meditation app such as InsightTimer; Calm; or Headspace. I started off with these apps, and they helped me tremendously. Bringing this key spiritual practice into your life can have profound benefits.
• Do some emotional catharsis: Sometimes, the reason why we’re self-destructing is that a deeper emotion (such as anger, grief, passion) isn’t being expressed. Just think of a kettle: The more it boils, the more steam is released. But if that kettle had no way to release that steam, it would eventually explode! The same thing applies to you: You need a pressure valve, a way to channel your pent up emotions. When you don’t channel those buried emotions in a healthy way, they come out in self-destructive behaviors. So find something you enjoy doing that requires intense mental or physical effort. Examples include boxing, running, singing, dancing, creating art, or plain old screaming and crying (doing this privately is a good idea). One unconventional form of catharsis is called dynamic meditation.
• Focus on self-love and self-care: Self-love is a basic attitude of kindness toward yourself – it is the practice of taking care of your emotional needs. Self-care is generally more orientated towards your body – it involves eating properly, getting enough sleep, drinking adequate water, wearing comfortable clothing, staying healthy, etc. Both self-love and self-care go beautifully hand-in-hand as allies against self-destruction.
• Shift your mindset: Realize that self-destructive behavior is a sign of inner shadows and core wounds that have gone haywire. Be kind to yourself and realize that you have a metaphorical thorn lodged in your side. You’re trying to get it out, but you don’t know how – and that leads to self-destructive beehavior. (It’s a desperate attempt to ease the pain you’re carrying inside). By shifting your mindset from blame and self-condemnation, to self-compassion, you’ll be empowered to make choices that align with your highest good.
• Seek out professional help: There’s only so much an article on the internet can do to help you. While you’ve taken a wonderful step towards health and healing, the next step will help even more. Seeking out guidance in the form of a therapist or counselor will aid you with ongoing support and tools. These, in turn, will transform your life little by little. And soon, you’ll look back on this behavior with a gentle smile and a sigh of relief, proud of your ability to overcome it.

What Makes Someone Self-Destructive?

There are many reasons why someone might be self-destructive. On an emotional and psychological level, self-destructive tendencies may arise from childhood trauma, negative social conditioning, and low self-esteem that is due to having unsupportive or abusive peers. On a spiritual level, self-destructive tendencies are due to soul loss, or a disconnection from your authentic essence.

Why Do I Have Self-Destructive Thoughts?

Self-destructive thoughts are a product of low self-esteem and a part of us known as the inner critic. It’s crucial to remember that this is just one part of you, not the whole of you. You are so much bigger than the self-destructive thoughts that randomly pop into your mind. Remember that we all get self-destructive thoughts from time to time, you might just be more sensitive to them due to past trauma.

Self-destructive tendencies can be both conscious and unconscious – and they end up sabotaging our health, happiness, and long-term wellbeing. But please remember that these harmful behaviors are a symptom of a deeper wound that needs to be shown compassion, and needs to be expressed in a healthy way.

It’s important to remember that you’re not alone. Like me, you probably can identify with a couple or more symptoms and habits on this list. Take the first step forward on your healing journey by developing more self-awareness, self-care, self-forgiveness, and self-love, and you will eventually be free of your self-destructive tendencies.