Setting Boundaries is not as difficult as you think

“If someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, it’s just more evidence the boundary is needed.”

Everybody has boundaries. In fact, even my boundaries have boundaries. The truth is, they only work if you actually enforce them. Sometimes knowing your boundaries without enforcing them can actually make matters worse. So it’s critical to learn the art of politely enforcing your boundaries.

I’ll be honest, enforcing boundaries is the hard part. It’s the part that stops most people. It’s in this stage of the process that people shut down and decide they’re just fine being miserable. It’s easier that way. The reason i know this, is because i have experienced it, too. I was keenly aware of my boundaries, and despite that, i stood by and watched as i let every single one of them get trampled on. If i’ve said it once, i’ve said it a thousand times: my nature is to people-please.

I was the queen of dismissing my needs and wants in favor of allowing someone else to get their way. It happened automatically, subconsciously. I never once considered that what i needed or wanted could matter. I hesitate to share that because what kind of person does that make me? But it’s real, and it happened, so i would imagine there are others out there like me.

In the time that i’ve been working in the boundaries space, i’ve come to discover some trends. And the good news is, once you know these things, it’ll actually be easier for you to enforce your boundaries. We make enforcing them like this mythical superpower. Something impossible to figure out. But it’s actually quite simple once you break it down. But first, you must know the boundary kryptonite: Assuming.

We assume when someone suggests something, either a way to interact, an invitation, a topic of conversation, whatever it is, that they know your stance and are choosing to either ignore it or attack it. And guess what? They don’t. Sure, there might be some cases where that may be true, but in most, it’s not. They are simply stating what they want and/ or need. It’s then up to us to communicate what we want and/ or need and devise a compromise accordingly.

• Assess Resentment: Recognize feelings of hurt, anger or resentment as early warning signs that you need to start setting boundaries. When you can be honest about these disagreeable feelings, you can use them to help signal when it’s time to say yes or no.
• Clue into personality preferences: Developing healthy boundaries goes hand-in-hand with becoming drawn to boundary-lovers. People who are immature at limit-setting often find themselves involved with “boundary-busters” in the form of family, colleagues, or friends. Instead, make deeper connections with people who can hear your “no” without being critical, getting hurt, or personalizing it.
• Seek other boundary setters: Why is it so important to join the boundaried family? Mainly because as with any spiritual discipline, boundaries can’t be worked on in a vacuum.. whether you’re growing boundaries in your current relationships or finding new ones, you need others with the same values of limit-setting and responsibility to encourage you, practice with you, and stay with you. Start with trusted friends/ family members.
• Define what’s most important: Write a list of your “treasures” – whether your time, money, feelings, or beliefs. Ask yourself how you want others to treat these treasures. How do you want others to not treat them?
• Practice baby no’s: Ask a good friend, someone you trust and who loves you, if you can practice “baby no’s” with them. This could be about something small that rubbed you the wrong way recently. For instance, “i felt hurt when you were running late and didn’t let me know”. Either they’ll cheer you on warmly for being open about your feelings, or they’ll confront you. True intimacy is built around the freedom to disagree.
• Revel in some guilt: If the conscience were silent and providing no “how could you?” guilt-inducing messages, it might mean that you were remaining enslaved to the internal parent. Feeling some guilt about saying “no” actually means you’re moving ahead!

How To Politely Enforce Boundaries

Get clear and know why:

Because this step appears so simple, it often gets overlooked. We tend to work with a vague sense of what we want and need, but we rarely take the time to get ultra-specific. And in order to properly enforce your boundaries, you need to get very clear on what those boundaries look like and why you want or need them. There are going to be times when someone challenges your boundary, so knowing the why is critical. It’s easy to give in when it’s just a senseless boundary, but when you know what it is you’re protecting and why , it makes a big difference.

Be direct:

We tend to send subtle hints, hoping the person we’re talking to knows us and loves us enough to just GET IT! We all kinda know what we want, but we never directly communicated it.

Ditch the explanation:

I get it, we all feel the need to overly justify why we need or want something. But don’t give in to the urge to do so. It cheapens the exchange and shatters your steady foundation. Think back to a time someone, probably a superior, enforced a boundary with you. They were likely clear, direct, and concise. Now, direct and concise is not a licence to be rude. But you can leave the lengthly backstory out of the exchange. This also doesn’t mean that you can’t be honest with them.

Their ask doesn’t take away your opportunity to do the same:

Like i mentioned earlier, it’s easy to get entangled in resentment and frustration when someone pitches something that challenges your boundary. I know this sort of thing used to send me into an instant spiral. I assumed that they were suggesting these things intentionally, that they knew it would press into my boundary and just didn’t care. I felt obligated to simply agree and accept.

But just like they have a right to pitch something, you have the right to counter. It might take some back and forth, but i assure you it is unlikely that they are trying to attack you and your boundaries. But since i’ve realized i had a right to state how i wanted things to go, just as they did, i’ve spent a lot less time feeling unproductively angry.

Know your spectrum of compromise:

Firm boundaries are important. But it’s also important to have a sliding spectrum in moments of compromise. It used to be that whenever someone pressed into a boundary, my only options were to concede or get them to do so. That didn’t really set me up to foster the most healthy relationships and interactions. This takes some time and reflection, but it’s so important to know what compromise looks like for you. This may mean you have varying degrees of your boundary for specific circumstances or people. But it’s vitally important that you feel peace within each level of compromise otherwise it loses its value and purpose. For instance, my spectrum of compromise looks quite different for my partner than it does for a friend. My spectrum of compromise looks different in my home than it does when i’m a guest at someone else’s. Know yourself. Know what you need. Plan accordingly. Don’t take everything so personally. Stop assuming that people are intentionally trying to press into your boundaries. Offer the people the benefit of the doubt. Keep calm, be clear, and be direct.

1. Clearly identify your boundary
2. Understand why you need the boundary
3. Communicate clearly – be straight forward
4. Do not apologize or feel the need to explain it to death
5. Recognize their right to ask, recognize your right to do the same
6. Be calm and deliver with kindness and convidence
7. Understand there may be degrees of compromise

4 Different Types Of Boundaries

Emotional Boundaries

Time Boundaries

Topic Boundaries

Physical Boundaries

4 Reasons You Need Strong Boundaries

1. Boundaries allow you to be your true self. Boundaries create a separateness that allows you to have your own feelings, make your own decisions, and ask for what you want without needing to please others.
2. Boundaries are a form of self-care. Healthy emotional boundaries mean you value your own feelings and needs and you’re not responsible for how others feel or behave. Boundaries allow you to let go of worrying about how others feel and places accountability squarely with the individual. Boundaries also keep you from overextending yourself. Boundaries include saying “no” to things that don’t align with your priorities.
3. Boundaries create realistic expectations. When you clearly communicate your boundaries, people know how they’re expected to behave. When expectations aren’t communicated and met, resentment and anger grow.
4. Boundaries create safety. Boundaries provide physical and emotional safety by keeping out what feels uncomfortable or hurtful.